Yesterday I googled what the word ‘blog’ actually means, apparently it is a shortening of the term ‘web-log’, an online journal or information website. An online journal is exactly why I started writing back in 2010. It was a scruffy little website, made before social media, and the only consistent reader was my Grandma.
Now many of the ‘blogs’ we (or, at least, I) see are much more curated. Often there is another agenda behind writing; it is less about honesty and more about trying to get traffic to the website, cultivate sales, content creating for brands…
And sadly I think I fell in line with this in some ways. Although writing has never been about ‘sales’ (I make zero £s off social media) my posts have become less raw, less personal. Somehow I became the ‘recovered voice’ that I felt pressure to be, because after all, I am 27, I have had anorexia for 14 years - sometimes my pain feels like it is no longer valid, as if it had a time limit that ran out.
I also feared I held hope for some - proof recovery is possible, and I didn’t want to let anyone down. And yet, I know that you can be given all the advice in the world and still struggle to take action to heal yourself. So I have chosen to write as I used to; more raw; more of a journal, for myself and also for you. Like a big sister in some ways, or a story-teller: you are not alone in this.
Last week my cousin described social media not as communication but as contribution. Because communication suggests something is being received and responded to - and we can’t guarantee either of those things here. This is my contribution, not expecting anything back, but putting it out regardless.
Perhaps we cannot recover unless we own our story - this is the start of reclaiming mine.