I have ‘begun again’ more times that I can count, so often in fact, that if there is one thing I have proven to myself, it is that I do not achieve what I set out to do.
Have I ever fully committed? And the honest answer is no. What I have done in the past is try to make recovery more manageable, or ‘starting again;’ has meant reaching out to yet another person, to try a different diet (think intuitive eating, macro counting, reverse design), or new workout regime: I look for a ‘new me’ hidden in an old framework, all putting off the actual work that needed doing.
The words ‘just start’ are lined with so much, with excuses, and exclamations of ‘but you don’t understand’ or ‘when I’m ready’, or ‘tomorrow’. ‘I cant do this’ forms in my mind before I’ve really even thought about what it is I can’t do. If mantras help form our worlds this is the one that has shaped mine.
And my procrastination doesn’t stop at recovery. It seeps into my career too, into relationships, and the dreams I have… I look for permission and direction from my family, and my friends, and then strangers on the internet, as if by having the perfect plan I’ll be able to minimise the risk of anything bad happening
But reflecting on the last 14 years I can see that I can be given a plan, I’ve been given them, I wont follow it.
I listened to a podcast on Saturday morning as I walked to yoga (a sentence which you will hear me utter a lot because, on one hand I walk a lot, but mainly I just hate the sound of silence), I was drawn to it because it was titled ‘what are you waiting for?’
Cue the voice in my head: the time to be right, to be thinner, to deserve recovery, to be happier, after I have ‘made up’ for that last graze, for this to be easier, for the perfect coach, perfect formula…
At the end of what was a great podcast Adam, the host, suggests starting by writing down all the bullshit you have been telling yourself, and then to choose three actions you can do THIS WEEK that help you get closer to where you want to be. And, one thing you can do TODAY.
A small voice comes into my head, resistance. No. I can’t do this. Not today.
But in the words of Emma Watson, 'If not now when, and if not you, who?